NaySayers

March 23, 2018 at 3:59 am | Posted in Article | 2 Comments
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What could possibly go wrong.

Think you’re hot shit? You may be half right. Better to learn the awful truth from a pair of inveterate washouts than fall flat on your face before family and friends.

Especially if you owe them money.

We’re not your friends. As abject failures, we desperately want you to f*ck up too. But that doesn’t mean we’ll skimp on our dire advice.

You see, there’s only one thing more fun than watching shiny happy people crash and burn. And that’s watching them do so after failing to heed our strident warnings.

That calls for a special celebration. Which is why we turn every slimy stone to give you all the help you need (and ideally ignore).

Give your yang a yink.

For $444, we’ll examine your book idea, brand name, business venture, product design, capital acquisition project or other stupid, middle-aged thought bubble and list everything we can imagine that could go wrong.

Forewarned is forearmed. So, by having these obstacles and pitfalls flagged in advance, you won’t come a cropper at your most embarrassing moment.

And if you do happen to succeed, vengeance shall be thine. You can rub our sorry faces in the muck we chucked and force us to choke on our miserable words.

At which time, we’ll doff our shapeless, unfashionable caps, let you buy us lunch and say: well played!

Which part of NO don’t you understand?

If you’re surrounded by witless friends, vested toadies and grasping kin, who on Satan’s blasted Earth will ever tell you the truth about your latest folly?

We’ve wasted two lifetimes screwing up everything that moves, so we know all the angles.

Don’t blow four grand on a fart-catching business analyst to tell Brilliant You what you already know.

Use our bleak, narrow, expert assessment to drill down to the cracked Vegemite of boundless agony few souls can conceive, let alone discern.

Hello darkness! (Your new friend.)

Failure. It’s in our blood. Who better to spot it than two long-term depressives with PTSD and acute anxiety?

You go through life like everything’s fine. Thanks to our respective child abuse incidents, we leap at the squeak of a soft toy and can’t even use public toilets.

You like surprises. They leave us housebound for days. With ample time to see where you went wrong before you go there.

Despite four degrees and 60 years’ experience between us, we’ve failed at numerous careers, businesses and relationships. Today, we can’t even land a job at Bunnings – let alone hold it for ten pissing seconds.

Feast on our tears.

Our loss is your gain. We’ve failed again and again (and again) so you don’t have to.

You say fiesta, we say fiasco.

Call NaySayers.

And let us call your whole thing

‘off’!


If you enjoyed this post, you may wish to:

Your smallest kindness may spare us an early grave.


Pic by Melanie Hayes.

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Go hawks

November 2, 2017 at 8:25 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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‘It says “NO HAWKERS”.’

‘Bugger.’

 

 

Pic by British Library.

 

Joys of childhood

August 5, 2017 at 7:40 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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‘Jee-sus … that’s one switched-on Tooth Fairy!’

 

‘No sh*t!’

 

Pic by angelandim.

 

The critics

July 16, 2017 at 7:29 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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‘Have you found the new series of Offspring “surprising”?’

 

‘Mildly. But not in the sense the promoters intended.’

 

Pic by Offspring Films.

 

 

That’s the spirit!

July 6, 2017 at 7:23 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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‘Did they take your nail clippers?’

 

‘No.’

 

‘Same.’

 

Pic by Walter Mittelholzer.

 

 

Cockney science

May 22, 2017 at 6:33 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments
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Lever

 

‘Lever it out, Arfur.’

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Scattervox

May 19, 2017 at 6:59 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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‘We specialise in scat.’

‘Zippity dat, dat, dat … zwee bop.’

‘Yeah.’

Pic by Terri Begley.

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Only in red

July 8, 2016 at 8:54 am | Posted in Short Story | 2 Comments
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Only in red

Click pic to make big and bigger.

‘OK, so they didn’t have it in yellow!

‘What was I supposed to do: not turn up for work?

‘I don’t know why you blokes have to make such a big thing of it.

‘I honestly think the red provides an interesting contrast …

… ‘Fellas?’

 

Brought to you by Imagine Day the book.

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Girl power

July 6, 2016 at 7:38 am | Posted in Short Story | 4 Comments
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Girl Power Med Empire

Click pic to make big and bigger.

Girl evades giant Pac-Man.

Girl wins 300 metre dash.

Girl meets boy.

Girl starts BBQ fire.

Girl wins see-saw game.

Girl wins swimming competition.

What a fun, successful and totally empowering day!

Brought to you by Imagine Day the book.

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Temerity prayer

May 4, 2016 at 9:35 am | Posted in Poem | Leave a comment
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Target audience.

God grant me

the serenity

to forgive people

I can change;

courage

to take out those

I cannot

and wisdom

to know the difference

at 1200 metres

in fading light

with a 10 km crosswind.

Brought to you by Imagine Day the book.

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